Deep Black Purple Sabbath

 >I think Tony should give Ian another chance, and if
>Ian is not willing - force him to record another Black Sabbath
>album.........
>Tero

Funny you should mention that, as that is exactly what Iommi has planned. Think about it, why does Tony Iommi like Sinatra so much? It ain't the singing, it's the *personal example*.

So, one day, Ian Gillan gets an offer he can't refuse...

Of course, Ian likes his mates in Deep Purple, so he won't go willingly. My crystal ball predicts...

Ian Gillan, for reasons best left unmentioned (to protect his, ah, *personal health*), leaves Deep Purple and sings again for Black Sabbath after Ozzy leaves. Kinda resentful of the whole arrangement, but wishing to fulfill it so he doesn't wake up next to a horse head, he gets to work on the new album and takes heavily to drink. (Well, heavier than usual.) This causes him to forget most of the lyrics, making rehearsals a nightmare. Ian becomes the Marlon Brando of Metal, rambling on incoherently as Iommi & Co. wail away on their guitars and stuff.

Geezer takes the tapes, mixes the vocals way the hell down even more than usual, mixes the bass way the hell louder than usual, and turns the stuff over to Tony for approval. Tony figures, what the hell, let's put it out. The record company, though, has different ideas. Using a clever mix of comapssionate counseling and electroshock therapy, Ian gets sobered up in a hurry and sings like he's supposed to. Geezer takes the new, clear vocals, and mixes them just the same way as he did the others. The record company figured that they gave it their best shot, and decide to issue it straight to video.

Before the record company is able to retract that erroneous decision made by a former movie exec who thought "straight to video" was standard procedure in records as well as movies for product they don't want to support too strenuously, the 2-hour long concert video is filmed and shipped to worldwide release. The former movie exec is fired (he later gets a job with the Museum of Modern Art in New York City, where he produces an unusual video retrospective of Picasso's work...), but the damage is done. The video has unexpectedly huge sales and rental revenues, and sparks a bit of a craze.

Enter NBC. Looking for a hit to replace "Seinfeld," an NBC exec pitches a "Reverse Monkees meets Spinal Tap with a twist of spunky magic"-type show and hits it big with the top brass. As the NBC exec has the same contacts as Iommi, Black Sabbath soon find themselves repaying this favor they owe as they star in the new Must-See TV hit series, "Heavy Metal Family," alonside the Olsen twins. The premise is that Garth Rockett (Gillan) is a hard-rockin' superstar by night, but a single dad trying to make ends meet for his cute twins (the Olsens) by day. Realizing he can't stay up 24 hours a day, he gets his kids to play tambourine and do backing vocals in his band (played by the rest of Black Sabbath). With the twins having to adopt their sunshine philosophy to vampire hours, hilarious hijinks ensue with head-banging fun for the whole family.

Realizing what a colossal joke this is, Black Sabbath plunge forward with the attitude Gillan had when he was, uh, persuaded, to rejoin the band. They get the Olsen twins strung out on soda pop and junk food so bad that after the first season, the twins are recast as teenagers, as they look like they've aged 10 years. Worse, the Olsens start to goth-out from hanging out with the band and actually get into the music. They move from tambourine and backing vocals to rhythm guitar and keyboards, giving a more thunderous edge to the music. To the surprise of fans and critics alike, the twins prove dedicated and talented musicians, adding volume and depth to the hard sound that has become the band's number-1 rated trademark. In interviews, the Olsens credit their new-found hard edge to all the anger they had to suppress while working on saccharine-sweet teevee shows and movies.

So they record with Black Sabbath. The new album sacrifices nothing of the original thunder, but because of the Olsen twins' association, gains instant marketability. The ultimate triumph of the band is a #1spot on the airplay charts for the 7-minute-long catharsis, "Bob Saget Must Die (And Alan Thicke is Next)". "Harder than Iron Man," rave the critics and the fans just eat it up. The record company has a monster on its hands and supports the Olsen-ified Sabbath like never before. The resulting tour is decided to be a festival-type affair named, originally enough, Sabba-palooza. Sabbath headlines and Ozzy and Dio open. Since Ozzy and Dio refuse to sing, the promoters start asking around who could replace them on stage. They happen to ask Ritchie Blackmore, and he recommends Joe Lynn Turner. he signs on and the tour is launched.

It is a stunning success. Unfortunately, Ozzy and Dio (having ties to rival mobsters) form an unholy alliance and call in a hit on Black Sabbath. The Olsen twins get gunned down during the first encore of the final performance and the audience thinks it's just really cool special effects. The shots were real, though, and even though the Olsens survive, their parents declare that enough is enough, and pull them out of show business and check them into Betty Ford, just to be safe.

Without the (formerly) cloyingly cute Olsen twins, Black Sabbath returns to (almost) normal. Iommi decides he's had enough of mob ties and lets Gillan go back to Deep Purple. Ian agrees, and has no hard feelings after the events of the last two years. The two bands grow closer together and support each other in co-headlining tours. Meanwhile, Ozzy and Dio continue their respective solo tours pretty much as normal, except that *both* start singing "Mob Rules" and "New York, New York" in their set lists. When asked why, they don't talk much about it except to say that certain of their closest friends, who have no ties whatsoever to any organized crime family, have a soft spot for those tunes and they just want to show their respect by including them in their performances next question please.

And who is the next Sabbath singer after the Gillan-Olsen years? Tom Jones.

You heard it here first. The crystal ball doesn't lie, although it may be mistaken.